there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
