I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
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I'd cum for enchiladas.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
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She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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