Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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