so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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