Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
You were trust falling into bushes
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
