I bet he comes in French.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Randomize
