the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
