i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize
