I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
