i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Randomize
