you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
