Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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