The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.