Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
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I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
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Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear