Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
