i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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