is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
