so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
