I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
