Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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