When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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