i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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