I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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