Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
