her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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