from now on my penis is your penis
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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