I'm gonna have a badass scar
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
you never un-have a 4some
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Randomize
