i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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