so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Green mimosas i think yes
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
