Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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