Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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