my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
