med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
