Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
