I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
