jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
