we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
