did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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