A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Ambien. No doubt about it.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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