guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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