Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
