I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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