The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
