he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
