I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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