I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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