I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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