Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
