You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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