Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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