I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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