you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
