you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
