Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize