hotel room ftw
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
