Me too!
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
