shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
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well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
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Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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