You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
