i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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