What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
