I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Randomize
