and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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