Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
love makes seman taste better
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
