I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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