Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
