Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
